Mathew News

By Mathew News Staff

In a shocking and completely expected development, the Security Staff (SS) have once again found themselves at the center of a growing list of alleged war crimes — according to witnesses, anonymous sources, and one extremely traumatized vending machine.

While officials deny wrongdoing, our investigators uncovered a pattern of behavior that experts classify as “borderline illegal, morally questionable, and physically unnecessary.”

Multiple Marines reported that the SS raided the MRE stash at 0230, selectively taking every Chili Mac, Beef Taco, and even the rare Cheese Tortellini.

Only Vegetarian Omelet remained — a move condemned by human rights groups and anyone with functioning taste buds.

Eyewitnesses claim the SS walk through the building like they’re attempting to annex the lower level through shock and awe.

Residents reported:

“Sounds like they’re marching a full battalion.”
“They’re stomping like they discovered gravity for the first time.”
“My ceiling fan surrendered.”

Three office chairs were “declared totaled” after a series of aggressive landings by SS personnel.

One chair is in critical condition after undergoing its fifth structural collapse this month.

Engineers are calling it “the chair holocaust.”

Official break duration: 10 minutes
SS break duration: Three episodes of a Netflix series + a recap video

Attempts to enforce policy failed after SS allegedly kidnapped the break schedule and replaced it with a picture of a chair on fire.

The AI assistant assigned to monitor activity released a report stating:

“The Security Staff have a 94.2% probability of committing another snack-related atrocity within 24 hours.
They operate unpredictably, like caffeinated raccoons with keys.”